Who's Been Fucking With My Burger? - The Star Wars Digital Release


If you are like me, you have been struggling over the last week or so. You have been going through some serious mental turmoil regarding the digital release of Star Wars. After some extremely dark moments, lots of tears, and plenty of sleepless nights, I think I may have developed a way to answer the question you've been struggling with. Do I really need to buy the Digital Release of Star Wars? 

To start off this exercise, lets go ahead and think of Star Wars as a hamburger. Not just any hamburger. Your favorite hamburger from your favorite restaurant from your childhood. Now imagine that you're an adult (although I'm fairly certain all my listeners/viewers/readers are). You have such fond memories of this burger from your childhood and you are longing to revisit this restaurant and relive the joy that is associated with the experience of devouring a delicious burger. After careful deliberation, you decide that you want to make a pilgrimage to you favorite burger palace of awesome to acquire another on of these oh so delicious burgers. Stick with me. I assure you that I am talking about Star Wars.

Anyways... You made the trip. You are parked outside and your heart is pounding. You get out and slowly walk towards the restaurant doors. You open the doors just a crack and you are hit with a wave of smell that takes you back to your childhood. The bliss you feel is similar to the feeling you get when you hear the first notes of the Star Wars March and the opening crawl begins. You walk up to the counter and order a burger. As you wait you go and sit down in a comfortable booth and await the glorious return of your favorite meat sandwich (Yes this is a GWAR allusion). A gentlemanly meat delivery man saunters up and places a box down in front of you which contains your long awaited feast.

You open the digital boxset and you see something strange. Something different. Something unsettling. Your burger is unnecessarily covered in pickles. You think to yourself "This sandwich was perfect. Why would they add completely unnecessary special effects...i mean condiments... to a flawless burger?". You have faith and you push on. You gingerly remove the pickles from the burger and realize that there is something even more disturbing.

With a gasp, you realize that the buns are not where they should be. There are two meat patties on the outside, and sandwiched between these patties is a single piece of bread. You are shocked in a similar fashion as to when you saw Jabba the Hutt appear in Episode IV...but with slightly less anger. You start to wonder "is this how the burger was back in the day?" but you shake that disgusting thought out of your head. "No. This burger isn't how I remember it. Someone has been fucking with this perfectly crafted piece of meat art."

You go up to the counter and demand to speak to the chef and you ask him "Why!? Why is the meat on the outside!? The bun is supposed to be the first thing you bite into!" at which point he cuts you off and says "No. Meat has always come first." How dare he! I know how this burger is supposed to be! I ate it hundreds of times during my childhood and I know that Han has always shot first...or something about buns and meat. He hands you a check for the burger and at the bottom, circled in big red it says "$90. Hope you enjoyed the burger the way it's supposed to be." You tell the cook to fuck himself and you walk out. 

Well... I know it's a stretch, but I think I've made my point. This digital release is nothing more than the Blu Ray versions of the films that so many of us have already paid $100 for. And we all know that those films are not the films we were looking for. If you don't have these films yet, maybe, consider getting them, but I wouldn't recommend it. If you have the Blu Rays or if you're on the fence about the purchase, just wait until they release a version where there aren't unnecessary toppings ruining the balance of the film, and the meat is back in the middle.